Secrets

Fishermen acquire the talent.
They start out lying to themselves and, before they know it,
they’re lying to anyone who’ll listen.

            – Paul Quinnett

The latin word for witness is testis, which—according to ancient lore—arose because male Romans testifying in court were required to place one hand over their “jewels” as they swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Thanks to the sensible evolution of modern law, this threat has since weakened to the more reasonable pains and penalties of perjury, but even that is too much for most of us to tolerate, so we fishermen swear no oaths.

We lie because you expect us to. But unlike the duplicitous politician with one hand on your shoulder and the other in your pocket, we mean no harm. We revise and stretch the truth to protect our egos and reputations from the woeful certainty that most of our casts do not catch fish, and—unless we fish in Lake Woebegone—most of the fish we catch are smaller than average. To paraphrase C. S. Lewis, pride gets no pleasure out of catching some fish, only out of catching more and bigger fish than the next guy.

Here in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, another type of fish story protects our secret places—our Shangri-Las—from the harsh reality that the truly great places to fish are great because few people fish them. Understandably, then, the few fortunate fishermen who find these places guard their secrets with a more noble sort of fish story. “Ever fish the North Branch?” you ask. “No,” they lie.

On occasion, a person who is motivated by self-pride and a compulsive need for the approval of others will stumble into great fishing. Believing that the coveted status of local fishing demigod is finally within their grasp, they draw maps, guide trips, and do whatever it takes to convince all of their friends and most of their foes that they have found and experienced spectacular fishing. John Voelker called these people kiss-and-tell fishermen, and, without exception, he did not fish with them. “Most fishermen swiftly learn,” he wrote, “that it’s a pretty good rule never to show a favorite spot to any fisherman you wouldn’t trust with your wife.”

When a kiss-and-tell fisherman sees great fishing destroyed by their own self-aggrandizing actions, the results are almost always chronic and severe. “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” is wonderful counsel for matters as simple and common as personal relationships, but Lord Tennyson’s creed rings hollow for something as complex and rare as great fishing. Experience, many have said, is something you don’t get until just after you need it, and there is nothing—absolutely nothing—that a fisherman with this type of experience will do to endanger their fishing again.

Several years ago a friend who spends a few weeks each summer in the Upper Peninsula asked if I’d take him fishing. He’s a good guy, I thought, and, what the heck, most of the year he lives over a thousand miles away, so I took him to one of my favorite spots. The place is remote enough to feel like it’s out there, but still accessible enough that it’s easy to get there. I explained the harm the wrong people could inflict on a place like this, and he seemed to understand.

This past summer I ran into my friend and a couple of his cousins who, unlike my friend, do not live over a thousand miles away. They were going fishing the next day and my friend asked if I could recommend some spots for them to try. “Don’t worry,” he whispered as he pulled me aside, “I won’t tell them about your secret place.” He opened his gazetteer to the region they planned to fish, and I started to show them a few widely-known spots with easy access and decent fishing. “What’s that?” one of the cousins asked as he pointed his chunky finger—notable for what I recognized as worm dirt under his fingernail—toward a red circle drawn around a river bend with the frightful designation Tim Schulz Honey Hole!!!!  HoneyHole“Get over it, Tim. You don’t own the river,” my wife said while I pouted and brooded for the next several weeks. Her wisdom exceeds mine on many matters, but this is something she simply does not understand.

With assistance from the fine people of the Glenlivet distillery, I worked my way through denial, anger, bargaining and depression, and was just finishing with acceptance when I received a compelling note from my friend Jerry Dennis:

If I could get up your way today and tomorrow could you fish? This is wild-hair time. Need a getaway.

Jerry’s book A Place on the Water is one of the first books I read about fishing and living in the Upper Peninsula, and, in addition to helping me stay positive and optimistic during a difficult and challenging time in my life, his book has been a guide for the way I view the outdoors in general and the Upper Peninsula in particular. The comfort and joy I’ve received from Jerry’s writing should have been enough, but one sentence he wrote in another book settled it:

“Maybe, just maybe, if you strapped me to a chair with barbed wire, shoved ice picks under my fingernails, set fire to my hair, and crushed my toes one after another with pliers, I’d tell you where I caught that big brown trout last summer.”

After the catastrophe with the cousins I swore I’d never share a fishing spot again, but, geez, if I couldn’t trust Jerry with a secret spot, then who could I trust? So I took him to a place that was even better than my no-longer-secret honey hole.

A few weeks after his visit, I met up with Jerry in the Lower Peninsula and he was an awful mess. His head was devoid of hair and covered in ghastly scars, his feet were mangled and confined by calf-high casts, and his fingers were so badly swollen that he could barely grasp the crutches he used to steady his stance. My immediate concern, of course, was that he had cracked and given up my spot, but his proud smile and subtle wink assured me that my secret was still safe.

Jerry was returning the favor. He took me and a few of his friends to a secret place he called Alligator Bend, and although I didn’t catch many fish, I made some new friends, and one of them was a talented artist named Chad who later in the week took me to a secret place he called The River, or something like that. On my way back to the Upper Peninsula, I visited another dear friend named Adam and he took me to a secret place he called The Creek. A blissful week of fishing, and none of it would have happened if my friends hadn’t shared their secrets with me.

Lewis Carroll said that one of the deep secrets of life is that all that is really worth the doing is what we do for others, and this is the challenge of the fisherman’s secret spot. Voelker didn’t warn us to never share our secret places; he only warned us to pick our partners well.

AlexFebruary 15, 2016 - 7:42 pm

Good stuff, one of the best pieces I’ve read in quite some time, in print or electronic.

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